Pulseblend Times Founder Announces All Future News Will Be Delivered as Dubstep
Weather report now features a 30-second drop. Traffic report has a key change.
Pulseblend Times founder Vladimir Tokarev announced Monday that the outlet will begin delivering its headlines as fully produced songs, starting with a dubstep weather report and a chill-house stock market update.
“Why read the news when you could feel it?” Tokarev asked, before the bass dropped and a nearby window gave up.
Under the new format, breaking news gets a drum fill, sports scores rhyme, and anything sad is automatically rewritten as a power ballad.
“Every story deserves a hook. Most of them deserve a bridge.”
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The jokes are made up. The music is real.
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