Man Orders Custom Song to Apologize to His Sourdough Starter; Starter Rises 4 Feet, Demands Royalties

LOWER CRUMPTON — A local man who neglected his sourdough starter for nine consecutive feedings has issued a formal apology in the form of a custom song from Pulseblend Studios®, and the starter has responded by rising four feet and demanding royalties.

Gordon Pembleworth, 52, says he panicked after discovering the starter, named Doughlores, sulking at the back of the refrigerator. “I tried flour. I tried warm water. Nothing,” he said. “So I ordered a power ballad called ‘Doughlores, I Knead You.’ It came back in under 24 hours.”

Witnesses report the starter began bubbling during the first verse, doubled in size by the bridge and had climbed out of its jar entirely by the second chorus. It now occupies most of the countertop and part of the toaster.

“Now it won’t become bread without a featuring credit. I just wanted a loaf. I have a collaborator.”

— Vladimir Tokarev

Culinary analysts say the case is the first recorded instance of a fermented ingredient seeking publishing rights. Doughlores is reportedly in talks for a follow-up single and has asked that all future feedings be accompanied by the song on repeat.

Pembleworth says he has learned his lesson and has already ordered a second song, this time for the yeast. Pulseblend Studios® custom songs start at $24.99 and are revised until everyone in the kitchen loves them.